The firmness of your step a way from me cause me to drift bitterly into a mode of deep dark pain.
Each step I hear on the floor above the harder my heart beats.
"What did i hope to accomplish by saying what I said?"
"Maybe i should have just kept silent?"
"This sounds all to familiar"
"Bye." I hear her faint voice.
Pacing the floor, scratching my head, deeply breathing, holding back tears.
Looking to floor and bang myself mental up against the walls of undonedom.
Breathing into say a word of prayer. Opening my mouth and out comes tears. Streaming down my face like a river, Niger.
My emotional pain so high my physical tries to manifest it in a place my arm my head my legs.
Constantly rubbing "Here I am again." swimming in a sea of regret.
I look to the faucet in the distance and think to myself "Clean up no one should see or know about this." Warm water rinses my face tears continue to fall. Pain in all the more enhanced. I make my way up the steps pausing, realizing that each step she took I am taking. I keep my eyes to the floor as i follow the unbeated path on the kitchen floor.
I turn the corner and hear "Bye." immediately my head jolts back to see where she was. Where she was...
I continue my journey to my room where in i find no peace no solace no ability to sleep. Of course not its only 6.
What she doesnt know is that I love her. Im not in love but that is a bungie effect that occurs when you learn someone. She doesnt know the days a weeks of tears shed for the mistakes made. The insurmountable dull pain the sits on my mind everytime my eyes catch another eyes.
Unaware of when i look into myself i see all my mistakes, and all my nots.
She doesnt know that I long to see a permanent smile on here face. Never to see her shed a tear again.
She doesnt know that I do love her and I do want her. But how do I want someone when i dont know me. I posses pockets of potentailly dangerous flaws that have and will cause in ordinate amounts of pain, unfathomable amounts of distress.
" I want to be perfect for you. Maybe in the process of allow this things to do what they are doing maybe we will be able to come back together. Maybe when I learn all of me, maybe I can learn to trust you. Maybe when I learn to love, forgive and trust myself. Maybe then I will allow you to love me and I love you back. What I lost was not love for you. Its was confidence in my love for you. This is fair for you to say when you know what you want call me. You have every right to be out. You have every reason to doubt anything i say or properly explain with the right type of dicition. You even the right to call the last three years a lie. If that means you can live and do better. But please do ever think that I dont love you. Please dont ever think that I was holding out because i didnt love you, I was holding out because I was hoping to learn how to. I hate myself for hurting when all you ever brought to me was...complications of joy. The natural responses to life. You loved me. If this is see you later than you should know. I turned myself inside out hoping to find out how to do this better. I have no answers for the non questions you looks keep asking. I have no way to repay for the last few years. All i know is that I have a promise that He will make all things new. On this my heart holds hope. I dont cry to hard because of this, I dont lament to toughly, I dont pout to long. I Love You Raven"
These I leave in my though to her. Feeling that I will never see her again. Hoping that she find and read. Knowing she wont trusting that in time all will be made better.
My love the sweet embraces of the night never leave my mind.
My heart cannot refuse the kisses of passion.
My soul has been stained with your love and my emotions have been augmented to see you.
My eyes have seen no other that give me the type of unconditional love you have given me.
My love each day away from you is like years. Each time i see you I am thankful that God made such a one as you.
My hope is that one day I can love you the way you deserve..til then i'll continue the path I began long ago.
Til we meet again.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
Answering the Hard Questions
I spent sometime in a meeting listen a head honcho explaining the implementation of a cut that is happening because of the failure of a school levy. It is very difficult to listen logically explain why these people who has supported this community's chlidren for years educationally should lose their jobs. It difficult but its necessary and someone needs to answer the question. Here in this i notice what continues to surface. "Why should we (community) support children that we have to see everyday.? Why do I have to pay extra taxes for kids i dont have?" (again the community)?
The losers in the battle for the jobs "How do we get the community be engaged?" The head honcho has a plan but ultimately its neither up to the cleverness of his plan, nor is it to the implementation of such plan. It is rather the parents that are the deciding factor. They have the most stake and the most to lose.
Some how a another instiution has to answer a question it does not have the means to do such. It has to raise and teach respect to children whom has often time been abandon by the parents who birthed them. Such a difficult task, how do we balance the work that needs to be done versus the work that can't be done because of the lack of ownership take for the children in this community.
What happened to it takes a village to raise a child? What happened to the caring corrections made? What happened to older generation getting there hands dirty to teach, lead and guide these children on the path to goodness?
Those hand have been shut out and have passed into the next generation beneath them. The which is my parents who teach me to do the courageous thing not for gain but for righteousness sake. My parents are pre occupied with the challenges to make their lives what it needs to be so when they go we can be taken care of. No more time and now the task of doing this dirty work is given to the mature ones of this generation.
I accept the challenge to consciously mold and shape the mind of the children into the adults they need be. I accept the challenges that the other generation before me can't do or choose not to do anything about. I accept the place that pays less and impacts more to achieve the goal of having a generation or atleast a people inside a generation to be the cutting edge of what can be. The very role model of love and life and passion embodied into an art or craft or place of profession that will make this world a better place to live in. I accept this challenge knowing what i see not be is not widely understood and accepted to be the best thing for myself. I accept the pain and the struggle that comes with raising children even though I am not a parent. I accept that this is my society and I responsible for what's in it. I accept the challenge to re-establish the neighbhorhood. I accept the challenge to walk in intergrity both for the sake of my children, myself and my community. I take ownership in the communties in which i live and serve. I respond with feirce intensity and consistent to produce the hope and the backbone need to deal with the ferosity of this life.
How do we answer the hard questions? We accepted the ramifications of the decision we make and we make the decision and stand on it!
The losers in the battle for the jobs "How do we get the community be engaged?" The head honcho has a plan but ultimately its neither up to the cleverness of his plan, nor is it to the implementation of such plan. It is rather the parents that are the deciding factor. They have the most stake and the most to lose.
Some how a another instiution has to answer a question it does not have the means to do such. It has to raise and teach respect to children whom has often time been abandon by the parents who birthed them. Such a difficult task, how do we balance the work that needs to be done versus the work that can't be done because of the lack of ownership take for the children in this community.
What happened to it takes a village to raise a child? What happened to the caring corrections made? What happened to older generation getting there hands dirty to teach, lead and guide these children on the path to goodness?
Those hand have been shut out and have passed into the next generation beneath them. The which is my parents who teach me to do the courageous thing not for gain but for righteousness sake. My parents are pre occupied with the challenges to make their lives what it needs to be so when they go we can be taken care of. No more time and now the task of doing this dirty work is given to the mature ones of this generation.
I accept the challenge to consciously mold and shape the mind of the children into the adults they need be. I accept the challenges that the other generation before me can't do or choose not to do anything about. I accept the place that pays less and impacts more to achieve the goal of having a generation or atleast a people inside a generation to be the cutting edge of what can be. The very role model of love and life and passion embodied into an art or craft or place of profession that will make this world a better place to live in. I accept this challenge knowing what i see not be is not widely understood and accepted to be the best thing for myself. I accept the pain and the struggle that comes with raising children even though I am not a parent. I accept that this is my society and I responsible for what's in it. I accept the challenge to re-establish the neighbhorhood. I accept the challenge to walk in intergrity both for the sake of my children, myself and my community. I take ownership in the communties in which i live and serve. I respond with feirce intensity and consistent to produce the hope and the backbone need to deal with the ferosity of this life.
How do we answer the hard questions? We accepted the ramifications of the decision we make and we make the decision and stand on it!
150 Dollars
It is amazing with 150 extra dollars will do for you. I dont know how this came about...what a minute that a lie i do know. I prayed and told Him that I would trust Him and he came through for me. If I dont even see the money at all then I will even yet trust Him because HE is able and He is faithful.
Oh to trust Him more, more and more to trust Him. Wholly leaned on His name is where I wish to be.
Now in this moment when my faith is now added to with His act of divine movement.
Thank you My Master.
This is what you will forever be!
Oh to trust Him more, more and more to trust Him. Wholly leaned on His name is where I wish to be.
Now in this moment when my faith is now added to with His act of divine movement.
Thank you My Master.
This is what you will forever be!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Be still
Why do such word cause me to wrestle within myself? Why must anixety cause me to look and search as if His eyes are not on me directing a path that is perfect and talior made just for me?
Be still why i work this out? Toes cringe, thumbs begin to twiddle, knee shake and rocking back and forth becomes the normal habit.
Some make as much as they desire and eat and until their palette is full. Other buy Wendy's(Your know when its real) Burger King (Have it your way) McDonalds's (I'm loving it) Arby's (Good mood food) Subway(Eat fresh) Mr.Hero's and Charlies lies. Knowing full well that im not sure if its real. Can't have it my way, neither loving it, nor am i in the mood to eat fresh. Rather keep my money because it never delievers what it promises.
I am to be still and let my master direct whats best for me when i see what i can do. Then what i can do doesnt work i become even more exasturbated. Could it be that i don't trust Him. Am I still weak in trusting HIs plan and will for my life. Am i foolish enough to desire His plan and will without taking it HIs way.
If so why do i call Him Master and Lord?
Because he has been that in times past and now that i need Him in a new area its "different". However, its the same God, same grace, same mercy, same love and same vision.
Jerimiah 29:11-13
11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
12 Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.
13 And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.
And again Psalms 91
1 He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.
3 Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.
4 He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.
5 Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;
6 Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.
7 A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.
8 Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.
9 Because thou hast made the LORD, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;
10 There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.
11 For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.
12 They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
13 Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.
14 Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.
15 He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.
16 With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.
I have promises to look to whilest i yet worry.Let me compare the worry to promise which one will win.
P.S. Lord this way is not easy but its your way and it is better. I refuse to worry, instead I will wait to see your magnificant grace be made manifest and your door open up to me.
I trust you.
Be still why i work this out? Toes cringe, thumbs begin to twiddle, knee shake and rocking back and forth becomes the normal habit.
Some make as much as they desire and eat and until their palette is full. Other buy Wendy's(Your know when its real) Burger King (Have it your way) McDonalds's (I'm loving it) Arby's (Good mood food) Subway(Eat fresh) Mr.Hero's and Charlies lies. Knowing full well that im not sure if its real. Can't have it my way, neither loving it, nor am i in the mood to eat fresh. Rather keep my money because it never delievers what it promises.
I am to be still and let my master direct whats best for me when i see what i can do. Then what i can do doesnt work i become even more exasturbated. Could it be that i don't trust Him. Am I still weak in trusting HIs plan and will for my life. Am i foolish enough to desire His plan and will without taking it HIs way.
If so why do i call Him Master and Lord?
Because he has been that in times past and now that i need Him in a new area its "different". However, its the same God, same grace, same mercy, same love and same vision.
Jerimiah 29:11-13
11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
12 Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.
13 And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.
And again Psalms 91
1 He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.
3 Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.
4 He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.
5 Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;
6 Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.
7 A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.
8 Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.
9 Because thou hast made the LORD, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;
10 There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.
11 For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.
12 They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
13 Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.
14 Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.
15 He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.
16 With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.
I have promises to look to whilest i yet worry.Let me compare the worry to promise which one will win.
P.S. Lord this way is not easy but its your way and it is better. I refuse to worry, instead I will wait to see your magnificant grace be made manifest and your door open up to me.
I trust you.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Pressing Forward
I don't have time to look back and mourn at what I lost. I am absolutley sure that I will be able to, but its definately going to be some crying and walking because I must move forward. I can no longer allow myself be beset by hurt pain and frustration. I must embrace life as it flows to me. I must move with the rythm that keeps me growing and consistent. I must press myself to achieve at higher levels than I have ever dreamed. I must, i must press forward.
Life doesn't just happen is made. It is the culmination of choices made that make me, me. It is then the choices we make that make us continue to be the same or different. Finally it is the choice that we make or fail to make our children, community and lives the way it is.
So then the challenge is to live wisely and make the best of what I have because I only got one life, one me, one shot to make the first impression. Pressing forward i am looking into my saviors face and leaning on his everlasting grace to lead me to where i belong. I'm not going back im moving ahead, he to declare my past is over in HIM. In HIm all things are made new and now i surrender and continue to surrender my life to Christ and with all of that. I AM MOVING FORWARD.
Life doesn't just happen is made. It is the culmination of choices made that make me, me. It is then the choices we make that make us continue to be the same or different. Finally it is the choice that we make or fail to make our children, community and lives the way it is.
So then the challenge is to live wisely and make the best of what I have because I only got one life, one me, one shot to make the first impression. Pressing forward i am looking into my saviors face and leaning on his everlasting grace to lead me to where i belong. I'm not going back im moving ahead, he to declare my past is over in HIM. In HIm all things are made new and now i surrender and continue to surrender my life to Christ and with all of that. I AM MOVING FORWARD.
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