You ~ Ode to My Love

The firmness of your step a way from me cause me to drift bitterly into a mode of deep dark pain.
Each step I hear on the floor above the harder my heart beats.
"What did i hope to accomplish by saying what I said?"
"Maybe i should have just kept silent?"
"This sounds all to familiar"

"Bye." I hear her faint voice.
Pacing the floor, scratching my head, deeply breathing, holding back tears.
Looking to floor and bang myself mental up against the walls of undonedom.
Breathing into say a word of prayer. Opening my mouth and out comes tears. Streaming down my face like a river, Niger.
My emotional pain so high my physical tries to manifest it in a place my arm my head my legs.
Constantly rubbing "Here I am again." swimming in a sea of regret.

I look to the faucet in the distance and think to myself "Clean up no one should see or know about this." Warm water rinses my face tears continue to fall. Pain in all the more enhanced. I make my way up the steps pausing, realizing that each step she took I am taking. I keep my eyes to the floor as i follow the unbeated path on the kitchen floor.

I turn the corner and hear "Bye." immediately my head jolts back to see where she was. Where she was...
I continue my journey to my room where in i find no peace no solace no ability to sleep. Of course not its only 6.

What she doesnt know is that I love her. Im not in love but that is a bungie effect that occurs when you learn someone. She doesnt know the days a weeks of tears shed for the mistakes made. The insurmountable dull pain the sits on my mind everytime my eyes catch another eyes.
Unaware of when i look into myself i see all my mistakes, and all my nots.
She doesnt know that I long to see a permanent smile on here face. Never to see her shed a tear again.

She doesnt know that I do love her and I do want her. But how do I want someone when i dont know me. I posses pockets of potentailly dangerous flaws that have and will cause in ordinate amounts of pain, unfathomable amounts of distress.

" I want to be perfect for you. Maybe in the process of allow this things to do what they are doing maybe we will be able to come back together. Maybe when I learn all of me, maybe I can learn to trust you. Maybe when I learn to love, forgive and trust myself. Maybe then I will allow you to love me and I love you back. What I lost was not love for you. Its was confidence in my love for you. This is fair for you to say when you know what you want call me. You have every right to be out. You have every reason to doubt anything i say or properly explain with the right type of dicition. You even the right to call the last three years a lie. If that means you can live and do better. But please do ever think that I dont love you. Please dont ever think that I was holding out because i didnt love you, I was holding out because I was hoping to learn how to. I hate myself for hurting when all you ever brought to me was...complications of joy. The natural responses to life. You loved me. If this is see you later than you should know. I turned myself inside out hoping to find out how to do this better. I have no answers for the non questions you looks keep asking. I have no way to repay for the last few years. All i know is that I have a promise that He will make all things new. On this my heart holds hope. I dont cry to hard because of this, I dont lament to toughly, I dont pout to long. I Love You Raven"

These I leave in my though to her. Feeling that I will never see her again. Hoping that she find and read. Knowing she wont trusting that in time all will be made better.

My love the sweet embraces of the night never leave my mind.
My heart cannot refuse the kisses of passion.
My soul has been stained with your love and my emotions have been augmented to see you.
My eyes have seen no other that give me the type of unconditional love you have given me.
My love each day away from you is like years. Each time i see you I am thankful that God made such a one as you.
My hope is that one day I can love you the way you deserve..til then i'll continue the path I began long ago.

Til we meet again.