Triage of Dreams and Visions

Most Recent Dream

Ever since this past Sunday I have been deal with my struggle with voyeurism. I know my victory comes from God but the temptation of this has gotten so strong its beginning to invade my dreams.

Last night I had dream about two twins a and b. One of the twins (A)I knew and like and even wanted sexually. The other(Twin B) just looked like the girl I wanted. It was apparent that this was a extramarital affair because I was trying my hardest to avoid the one I wanted.

Even in my avoidance I found myself running into the twin B in a way that I wanted to see and have twin A. The weird thing is that A was in hot pursuit while B was really paying me any attention. It was a moment when I encountered both A and B. At a certain point I succumbed to A and as soon as that happen both A and B were all on me and I kind of liked it but a sense of guilt began to maximized even over the struggle that I felt while trying to fight.


The Message in the Dream

Jesus said " If a man looks on a woman to lust, he has already committed adultery in his heart."

My dream is walking understanding of the fight I am dealing with. But it is manifested in the way it has always manifested. The greatest chasm of fantasy and opportunity. You see fantasy and opportunity are twins. Its uncanny and very intentional in how they work.

" As a man thinketh so is he." and " To the defiled all things are defiled to the pure all things are pure."

Biblically speaking the dream I had confirms the truth revealed in his word is true for me.

As young I was told this in situation very similar. When you continue to fantasize and fantasize you set your self up for the fall. You don't even have to have 40% of it because you have already set the situation up in your mind. Twin A is lust an evil desire,  desire that I want but is wrong. Twin B is an opportunity that matches vision. Twin B is the image of the evil desire I have. When I succumb to A I get both. The liturgy used for sin is the same.

" Let no man say when he is tempted that he is tempted by God, for God cannot be tempted neither does he tempt anyone. When man is tempted he drawn away by his OWN lust. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death."

My sense of guilt that I felt is the stain of sin upon my conscious before a holy and righteous God, a moral failure. It is a critcal blow to my relationship with my wife and with my savior.

I find myself leaning to God more in these times because the battle is not with the twins though they are desirous its with me. James said " Your own lust." And that is where I start my battle.

Vision

" A friend will re enter your world to take you back 20 years. Do not consent to go back. The enemy is sending them to destroy you and pull you away from my will for your life."

As I think about this slowly I can only think of few people that I can draw 20 years from. Given my challenge with women, I can only think of women. And one woman in particular that I can safely say that I have known and known of for 20 year.


Word to the Wise: " A word to the wise is sufficient."
 I have only had minimal moments when God would speak to me like this. However when he has sent a prophet word or dream like this it has almost always happened.

Prayer
You have my attention. I hear you and I see you. Now I am asking you would you heal me. Would you take out of me what is so offensive to you. Can you make me like you? Can you help me overcome this sin. This disgraceful end the enemy has setup for me. Lord I surrender to you know you are my help in the time of weakness. Lord I desire your love and desire your strength to be all you call me to be. I thank you for sending my deliverance in a word of warning.

Lead me and keep me. I want to be led and I want to be kept. Give me the word to build my faith and give me the word to build my faith. I put my trust in you.

More and More and More

Here in these moments I find myself sort of complacent and some what doubtful. Not because I don't think God can do what he says he will do but more so because I cant see myself being successful at my endeavors. There is a lot going on. Its been a while since I last spoke with you, but since that last moment I lost my grand father, my wife miscarried, I got a promotion and I moved. Adjustments! It seems like my life is a giant adjustment right now. However I was listening to a YouTube video made by Mali Music and it opened my eyes. He starts out by saying handle with patience, handle with care. It seems like I spent a lot of my time this past year being reckless not in my action but with my life. I often don't take time to stop and smell the roses. I get so angry about how things are going until I am not grateful for the things that are going right. This walk is all you got so make it count please Were headed back to the creator of life so make him happy No time to regret the past or live in sorrow Only time to expect the glory of your tomorrow... My a word needs to be anticipation not adjustment. Adjustment is what I do and anticipation is what I need to feel. There is a package waiting for me. An opportunity to find purpose in each moment a chance to seize the moment. While listening to this song I find myself reflecting to all the moments that my grandfather shared with us, I remember how present he was however skewed that may have been by alcohol. He was there and he was with us to the best of his ability. Perhaps the reason why I respect my grandfather so much is the same reason why the song touches me so much is because my grandfather started off disadvantaged but he wrapped his arms around his life and did the best with it he could. " Life is a gift, open it up and see what there for you" " Life is a story, follow the author and see he cares for you." " Life is love, with every breath we are celebrating it." " Life is a hug, embrace it back." So more and more and more can keep coming, my agreement is that I will wrap my arms around it and take it.

Annication

So I am kind of excited that I have the opportunity to say this. I am married and I am looking to set up something nice for my wife here in the next few weeks for a anniversary and vacation. I call it annication for that reason. So far this what I got. The theme of our week is staycation there will be something to do everyday leading up to our culumination at great wolf lodge. Monday - Monday night movie madness...I am going to get four of our favorite movies and then we are going to catch a movie at the movie theater. Tuesday - A more laid back day we are going to make this a day out.... we are going to go the park and enjoy some picnic food. Following that we are going to do some finger painting. Wednesday - Train trip on scenic railroad and on wednesday night we are going to get a room somewhere near downtown Thursday - A day downtwon to experience different parts of the city using the trolly system. Friday - Lazy day maybe go to the park again but just enjoy relaxing Saturday - Off to Great Wolf Lodge - Lunch at Ryans Sunday - Morning swim - Early departure home.

I really do miss you

Hey Grandpa! I was at the house the other day I was thinking about you. I am sort of angry at the fact I could have you there with me at my wedding to Raven. It was just so much to take in at one moment. I am frustrated at where I am in my life not in a way as to say I am grateful though it could be read that way. I guess what I really want to say is I miss you a lot. It is still very surreal that you are gone from me. I kind of feel like Patrick when he said " I just want to hear him say whatevers one more time." Its just that I have always wanted very much to make sure that I pleased you. You were a man I looking up to when I was just going about my way. I don't even want to go on the rant about why you died. It will all end the fact that you are gone and I just have adjust. I guess ultimately I just want you to know that I look up to you and appreciate you for all you did for me. For reaching out and helping me see the simpler side of life. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to get know you. I really want to be sure that I live a life that honors the legacy you left for us. Not for us but for me.

Dreaming Again

I had one of the most unique dreams I had ever had. I was standing in front of a waterfall roughly four times the size of Niagara.
It's said on the maid of the mist that the boat can only go so far into the falls flow before its literally doing all it can it get under the massive water down pour.
The difference in this dream is that water fall I observed had no top seemly. It was just a rush of white water falling for hundreds of feet. Nothing was visible behind it and nothing man made could get under it without being destroyed.
The wind that the falling water produces were thick with humidity and sharply penatrated the air with pure oxygen richer than anyone human could breathe.

As I awake lying in my bed I am quickly arrested by this reality that this dream is a representation of my position to the flow of a great force. A force which cannot be redirected nor can it be contained because it flows from such high places and with such ferocity it dare not be challenged.
A moment of meditation reveals what that water is...the free flow of God s grace.

Somehow I believe that I could stand under this fall without being hurt. I innately knew that once there all that is on me will no longer be neither will I look the same. My immediate reference to what was on me was pertaining to the inner struggles in various sins, to ways of processing and disposition towards all others.

Fact is that Gods grace is like that just got to renew my mind to this over whelming truth.

Fa Real

Words cant expressed how pissed of I am right now. This chick is spitting all kinds of foul things at me because of something that is going on with her. I am not happy that its happening to her either. It is really messing up my feng shui. I hate this so much because she acts like she is the only affected by whats going on with her. Like I havent been supportive of her from day one. I can take her bullshit with out even flinching but the minute something comes up the messes up what she wants its a super bitch fest. I am tired of this ignorant shit. I hope we find something work her being all funky about. I dont want her to be hurt by it but a the same time if the first thing do is start hurling insults at me over things I cannot change then I really dont know what to say to you. Its really unfair for her to treat me like this. I want so much for her to be ok but it seems like her first thought is that I dont care when she knows that is not the truth. I guess for now I have sit back and she how she is going to deal with what she is dealing with. On different note this personal health concern is putting me back on the same page I was on intially. I need to get healthy. I need to do it for my own destiny so I can be fulfilled within myself. I need to schedule this checkup tomorrow like on a monday or something. But I will because I dont like being overweight and not being able to do what I like. Whats the Move Man of God First off my commitment to love this woman will not change because I am upset what she has done. However I am very intrested in doing something to draw out something that will stop her from coming at me sideways. I am going to sit quietly for a little while. Listen to some worship music and pray and let the lord show me how he wants me to fight this battle. Hard as ever to do but necessary because I am just short of slapping her.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Numb

Its been a little over a week since I have spoke with my heavenly father and I can feel this drift. Its a miserable existence because I have not been that much aware of how far I am away from Him. Then again I have many things pulling on me on the regular. My wife is depending on me to lead her. My family is depending on me to run my race. My team at my job is expecting me to deliver on a great level. Ministry is calling out to me. Its just a bunch at one time and its draining to be very honest. It just so easy to lose sight of one thing...His Love. His love builds me up. His love gives me life. His love works through my weaknesses. His love overrides the apparent judgement of death hell and the grave. His love is forever. His love for me is forever. His love will forever be for me. His love covered all my sins. All my problems, frailties, my cares, my lack and meetness. How did I fall so far from my first love? The cares of this world... Legitimate but not vital. Necessary but not preeminent. Focal but not worthy of all focus. More is said in the holy lonesome echo of Gods silence than millions of words said by companions by your side for years to come. Even Robin William said " The worst feeling is not being alone, its being with a group of people who make you feel alone." More aptly said for my taste. Better is one day in courts. Better is one day that I can fully take in. Than thousand wonderful days where belly is full and sexual desire full met on call. The sense that comes over me at this moment is that there is more for me in his presence. That I am on the verge of being where I need to be to do what I am called to do in full flow without compromise. The time for prayer is nigh... #findtheplace #holdtheground #praythespace #lifttheName