Forgiveness

Everything is starting to get better with me and Raven. She is a little worried about me and if i will be ok. I think i will be fine, i just have to have a little talk with the girl to find out if anything happened that i should know about.

Other than that, i feel that this particular even occuring served as two things. Both a new start and a humbling experience. People say not everybody want to be on crack. Im going to turn it, not everyone wants to mess things up. But because we are human and we have weaknesses we have to do more than just not want to. We have to protect against.

I never felt so much pure love from someone. that type of love invoked the shame that wakes people in there sleep and keeps people from going to sleep. I have had to pray so i can go to sleep. Its either prayer or a drug for the massive headaches i have been having. I cant say i will never do it again..because i dont know. But i can say this i know i dont want to do it again and im going to take the precautionary measures it will take for me to never do it again.

The love i get from Raven while yet uneducated, is yet wise and true. The question is what kind of love am i expressing when i allow myself to be put in a compromising position. Is that the same type of love that is upset about being wrong, Is it the same type of love that swears to its own hurt and changes not? If so i dont want anything to do with that.

I spent my whole life praying for an opportunity as unique as the one i am in right now and i will be damned strait to hell before i mess that being a dummy. My father talked to me about wether you should tell the person you love you cheated.

Both answers are reasonable.
the first is no and it comes with conventional wisdom. Dont do it again and dont be so quick to fly of the handle about the things she does wrong. The issue i have with this is the fact that i become ultra sentive and i just dont like function with a cloud over my head.

The second is yes but there is a back drop...while your being honest..your hurting the person you love which in turn hurts the trust factor and we all know relationships dont work with out trust. On top of that there is a possiblity of retaliation, and constant frustration about why that took place, irrational requests such as not ever talking to the person ever again. To add to that there is a possiblity the person may never get over it and hold it against you.

I made the second choice because i know me and the fact that it could happen again it would be more beneficial for my relationship later on and now to be this way. in the interrum there is pain and shame to deal with, but i really want it to work. i know that there is a risk a very large risk associated with working this relationship out.

It intels me submitting to the wrath and retalition she may unleash at any time. While not allow her to put herself on bad ground with God. It intels her growing up a little looking at things for what they are and us looking life the way we should look at it and treating it the right way.

The other thing i am beginning to remember and acknowledge it the fact that when a person cheats there is often something that preciptated that action. For me it was an emotional/innocent/intentional sort of kind of thing. Emotional there is slack that i had to carry, if i wanted to be with her. Innocent in that i was not aware of what me entertaining these other people would do. I just flat out didnt think it would come to that, if that not that way. Intentional because i knew at the moment things began to unravel what was happening and i did not act. There many more factor counting my family history as it pertains to this and my own person battles. The realilty when dealing with stuff like this. Honestly and openess is better than honesty and closedness, at least for me. Either way the only way you get help is the must be some type of openness to address said issue, whether is infedelity or emotional baggage.

To make it short and sweet after the very long version.
Forgiveness wipes the slate clean for me and the person who was offended. We can practically just look at each other for what we are. So far i really like what i see in her and im still waiting on God to do something in me ,with my participation of course, that allows me to see myself the way He sees me.