So its a fight Aye!

I am doing some serious overhauls to this out of shape carcass. What i have noticed is that people often want to lose weight but do not want to acknowledge the spiritual/emotional of fitness. These are inextricably tied together. So much so Paul in the bible said " I would that you (outward man) would prosper even as your soul prosper." The only thing about this is that i notice that the enemy is on guard and he is trying his hardest to stop man from really understand his true potential which is revealed in Christ. I find that its when we truly know our god given nature either apart or with Christ the enemy is prone to attack. Just to keep us from our founding, and keep the sinner from looking for the savior. But the savior is come and mercy is at His right hand. Love is in His scars for which he took for me. Redemption in His blood. By His stripes I am healed. Made whole and set free. All through sacrifice He willingly paid. I am free. It just a matter of tending to the responsibility of such freedom for which He gave grace. No matter which way you split it He got me. The bible say submit yourself to the lord, resist the devil and he will flee from you. The task is to be armed and fight the good fight of faith. Guarding the word and putting in my heart so i wont sin. Again I am free its a matter of tapping the grace (power) that He gave to live like it. It time to live like it.

Its not reality .... Its Me

Somewhere between doing what I am suppose to do and recieveing the benefits/consquences I fell of and somehow I haven't been doing my part. I have not been responsible and mature. I have not been wise or thoughtful. I have been compulsory and self fish. I think it may have costed something valuable. I pray it didnt.

At this point to pray is not null and void effort it is to apply what i know to be true. It is to get down to the knitty gritty and work on this kat, y'all cant see. The heart is deceitfully wicked man it is wicked. Man how i need a savior.

Thank God for Jesus.

The time is nigh and hour draws close.
His face has he called me to seek.
His voice i did not heed.
The pain will not recede
The anger will not retreat.
The shame if it be will not be any less.
The attention will cause stress.

None the less the praise will continue
The worship will not be hinder.
The life will be surrender.
The fact remains that its not over.
Just that part its over.
Whether or not if its true.
Its over...and unlike other i have a clue.

The plans will be made.
The move will be set.
The best jobs ill set out to get.
The motivation must be right.
Because its difficult enough to do one thing wrong.
Both cannot be. One is enough.

Enough is enough.
Lord come in and be my savior.
It seems its too late for that.
I guess i should sit back and watch the show that it attracts.
Proactivity is preventive.
Deactivity best when is during the event.

Lord since you already saved me.
Please keep me...
Through this suffering.
Its self made but i believe you said you would be with me
What about if i wasn't with you.
Unconsciously putting this claim to the test.
Just to see if it is true.

I trust you but show me how.
Show me how to put my hands up my cares lay them down.
Show me my spirit how to bow and my hush my soul with out a sound.
Give me the moment i so desperately long for.
All i have to give is the broken body, broken spirit and broken heart for it.

Cause the truth is never really trusted you.
I just kind of knew it.
I never really wanted you I wanted what you can do.
What makes this time any different.
Is the nail prints that you took for love sake.
The vinegar you sucked through a sponged put at the stake.
The spear poked in your side, flowing for that water and blood.
The seeping blood from the scars made for my sins and inquity, that gave me healing.

The whole of your sacrifice set in front of my face.
Forgive me.
I'm sorry and i could understand if you decided that this was it.
Besides you did what you promised to do. You fulfilled your end of the bargain.

Your Son
Steven Jr.

Reality is a Jerk!

This is a heartfelt sentiment.. I guess this doesn't change what is in front of me. Having the let someone go because of there unwillingness to see themselves is a tough thing to do.

On the other hand you actually become selfish if you don't let them go. Its not like ther blindness is just affecting you. Its affecting them too in ways they cannot even begin to comprehend. Simply because they can not see themselves.

Love is not stupid and does not seek its own. What does that even mean anymore? Where does that phrase fit in with personal reality of human life on life experience. Should I look at my relationship with God?

When I didnt see myself in front of Him, He kept giving me truth and love and often times correction. Consistent, patient and loving corrective truth and love. I dont know how he can stand the sight of me. Well yes i do it because of Christ. Otherwise i would be like a puff of vapor.

Relentless my lord is in the midst of this reality. He keeps calling out to me when i have gone astray only to arrive to leave again. Tired the back and forth is causing mental strain. It seems as if its not hurting anyone but me.

I lack the basic ablity to turn this into my relationships with the people around me. Maybe I have a hint of just mental awaress of this perfect love that has been manifest through the laying down of Christs' life. Maybe i need to go back and get it again.

Even if that is true what of my love and my love life. It would seem that i would have to lay it down so i can pick up. How utterly beyond logic that is. But i guess this is the way he expresses his love. Jesus said "No greater love than this that he would lay down his life for a friend."

There in lies my motivation. I am laying down this life to get better for myself, because way i am functioning is sick and backwards. What make reality such a jerk is that it is not its approach to wrong thinking. It will mercilessly remind of what needs to be change and attack at the weakest point.

Here i lie on my face, screaming violently into the ground hoping someone hears me and can help. Like the Jerk life is does everything in its power to muffle. There is an ancient one who hears the silent screams and see beyond the facade of my self generated reality, when reality is hit home harder than Babe Ruth having the best game of His life.

My life i lay it down so I can pick up what i orginally had. What was the wife of my youth, or rather the life of my youth.

Nevertheless....Not my will but thy will be done.

Man sometimes I think to myself how stupid of me to make that same mistake. Dude if you are going to get in trouble do it in a way that will atleast keep you out of more trouble. But in a way things like this need to happen so you can see yourself. But its mind bloggling how quickly you can forget the mistakes that you just made.

Nevertheless I see that it is an occassion for me to blame the people around me and circumstances that got me into that situation. When in fact the blame goes to me. I knew that fire would be hot and like a silly one i figure let me see if it will not consume me. But it will be a cold day in hell when i blame the one that loves me more than i love myself for what i have done wrong.

I take the blame for what happened and you get the glory for being good enough to me to tell me it was wrong before i did it. Jesus you still get the glory for being my provider in the midst of precieved trouble and my provider in the time of precieved lack. I will not complain, i will not blame you i will accept the consquences that come to me.

I will take the cup of my self caused troubles and drink. In silence will i greive my stupidy and in a loud voice will i praise you for your unlimited grace and mercy. My actions thereafter will be in open thanks to what you have done for me. My life will be a testimony to you keeping power and you will be the sustenance. My suffering will show your justice. My angst will not be the end of me but the beginning of the true knowledge of you my savior.

My confidence me has been shaken as it should have been. My confidence you i must place, both can not coexist. It must be your spirit not my flesh. The bible declares woe to the man who trust in the arm of the flesh. You make me new and you make me to know your peace. I admit my sins and i admit that you are the answer. Not your provision or even your peace but you.

So again I accept you as my answer, as my truth, as my relevant reality.
Nevertheless not my will but yours be done. Keep my according to your word that you will be righteous when you judge and just when you choose how this works out. I trust you. I trust you. In you I trust.

Thank you and I love you for seeing me this far and you will lead me on. Thank you.