Dreaming Again

I had one of the most unique dreams I had ever had. I was standing in front of a waterfall roughly four times the size of Niagara.
It's said on the maid of the mist that the boat can only go so far into the falls flow before its literally doing all it can it get under the massive water down pour.
The difference in this dream is that water fall I observed had no top seemly. It was just a rush of white water falling for hundreds of feet. Nothing was visible behind it and nothing man made could get under it without being destroyed.
The wind that the falling water produces were thick with humidity and sharply penatrated the air with pure oxygen richer than anyone human could breathe.

As I awake lying in my bed I am quickly arrested by this reality that this dream is a representation of my position to the flow of a great force. A force which cannot be redirected nor can it be contained because it flows from such high places and with such ferocity it dare not be challenged.
A moment of meditation reveals what that water is...the free flow of God s grace.

Somehow I believe that I could stand under this fall without being hurt. I innately knew that once there all that is on me will no longer be neither will I look the same. My immediate reference to what was on me was pertaining to the inner struggles in various sins, to ways of processing and disposition towards all others.

Fact is that Gods grace is like that just got to renew my mind to this over whelming truth.

Fa Real

Words cant expressed how pissed of I am right now. This chick is spitting all kinds of foul things at me because of something that is going on with her. I am not happy that its happening to her either. It is really messing up my feng shui. I hate this so much because she acts like she is the only affected by whats going on with her. Like I havent been supportive of her from day one. I can take her bullshit with out even flinching but the minute something comes up the messes up what she wants its a super bitch fest. I am tired of this ignorant shit. I hope we find something work her being all funky about. I dont want her to be hurt by it but a the same time if the first thing do is start hurling insults at me over things I cannot change then I really dont know what to say to you. Its really unfair for her to treat me like this. I want so much for her to be ok but it seems like her first thought is that I dont care when she knows that is not the truth. I guess for now I have sit back and she how she is going to deal with what she is dealing with. On different note this personal health concern is putting me back on the same page I was on intially. I need to get healthy. I need to do it for my own destiny so I can be fulfilled within myself. I need to schedule this checkup tomorrow like on a monday or something. But I will because I dont like being overweight and not being able to do what I like. Whats the Move Man of God First off my commitment to love this woman will not change because I am upset what she has done. However I am very intrested in doing something to draw out something that will stop her from coming at me sideways. I am going to sit quietly for a little while. Listen to some worship music and pray and let the lord show me how he wants me to fight this battle. Hard as ever to do but necessary because I am just short of slapping her.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Numb

Its been a little over a week since I have spoke with my heavenly father and I can feel this drift. Its a miserable existence because I have not been that much aware of how far I am away from Him. Then again I have many things pulling on me on the regular. My wife is depending on me to lead her. My family is depending on me to run my race. My team at my job is expecting me to deliver on a great level. Ministry is calling out to me. Its just a bunch at one time and its draining to be very honest. It just so easy to lose sight of one thing...His Love. His love builds me up. His love gives me life. His love works through my weaknesses. His love overrides the apparent judgement of death hell and the grave. His love is forever. His love for me is forever. His love will forever be for me. His love covered all my sins. All my problems, frailties, my cares, my lack and meetness. How did I fall so far from my first love? The cares of this world... Legitimate but not vital. Necessary but not preeminent. Focal but not worthy of all focus. More is said in the holy lonesome echo of Gods silence than millions of words said by companions by your side for years to come. Even Robin William said " The worst feeling is not being alone, its being with a group of people who make you feel alone." More aptly said for my taste. Better is one day in courts. Better is one day that I can fully take in. Than thousand wonderful days where belly is full and sexual desire full met on call. The sense that comes over me at this moment is that there is more for me in his presence. That I am on the verge of being where I need to be to do what I am called to do in full flow without compromise. The time for prayer is nigh... #findtheplace #holdtheground #praythespace #lifttheName

Working Through

Here lately I have been paying close attention to my internal state. I am not exactly pleased with my marriage to Raven because I really feel like I am the only one using the us language. She at times acts very selfishly in that boundaries a drawn are typically drawn in her favor with little to no thought about what I am facing.  I guess part of being married is being here and finding a way to move forward.

I listened to a song by Andrew Peterson named the silence of God. The thought that flooded my mind was this. Perhaps thanks needs to be given for what God has not spoken to. Sometimes words get drowned out by the sound.  The sound most often being one of comfort.  Perhaps comfort is not what I need,  maybe discomfort is what I need to move forward.

Maybe even more so. His silence to my particular request or ache is Him communicating that He has spoken to this already and refuses to say another word to protect me from my own self deception. Nonetheless my place remains the same.  I remain the leader and squarely on my shoulders to make it be what it needs to be.

Maybe the acknowledgment of that fact is the point. The burden of making be what it needs to be is not shared. Why do I feel like it should?

This is my decision: I am going to love my wife and do my best by her whether she does right by me or not. I am choosing to lose and I am ok with it.
#learningway #onlyonce