Here lately I have been paying close attention to my internal state. I am not exactly pleased with my marriage to Raven because I really feel like I am the only one using the us language. She at times acts very selfishly in that boundaries a drawn are typically drawn in her favor with little to no thought about what I am facing. I guess part of being married is being here and finding a way to move forward.
I listened to a song by Andrew Peterson named the silence of God. The thought that flooded my mind was this. Perhaps thanks needs to be given for what God has not spoken to. Sometimes words get drowned out by the sound. The sound most often being one of comfort. Perhaps comfort is not what I need, maybe discomfort is what I need to move forward.
Maybe even more so. His silence to my particular request or ache is Him communicating that He has spoken to this already and refuses to say another word to protect me from my own self deception. Nonetheless my place remains the same. I remain the leader and squarely on my shoulders to make it be what it needs to be.
Maybe the acknowledgment of that fact is the point. The burden of making be what it needs to be is not shared. Why do I feel like it should?
This is my decision: I am going to love my wife and do my best by her whether she does right by me or not. I am choosing to lose and I am ok with it.
#learningway #onlyonce
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