Ugh.......

The last time i wrote i was in a funk about what happen between me and my girlfriend.
I found myself in deep thought about what i should do and how i should treat it. what i came to was quite simple. Shit happens and as man i need to be responsible for the stuff that does. I have taken complete ownership and responsiblity for the things i have let and caused to happen. On a much happier note i am engaged. To the same woman who i cheated on about 4 months ago. There alot things rushing through my mind even now. As of this moment i have already engaged in a counseling session with her. Some of things we touched on brought up some painful memories for both me and her. The one thing i think i need to work out the most right now is whether or not if i am ready. If i am still attached by way of soul tie to the girl i cheated on my fiance with. That reality scares me for sure. If it is true , i see this being a thing that is a cause or at least strong influence on the way i am responding to situations. There are many other questions that flow from that. Is my fiance safe? I am not ready because of that? Do i need to address that i depth before i choose to spend the rest of my life with her?

The one thing i have come to resolution is not run. The answer includes me working out this until all is stable. The answer for sure aint call it off, becuase for the simple fact that things can always cause apprehension, esp fear and i for one am done running because of fear.

There is a question

Why am i not happy?

This something that i have only pondered on for a moment. The thing that caused me to come to this point of such an introspective question is simply this. God sees me and my world a certain way. He sees all the things that he intended for man to have in it. Thats everything from spiritual oneness with him and others everything to earthly dominion. The fact is when man sinned he broked that actuality in to a million little peices that has to be re claimed by man.
Im in thw course of doing so i would say. There is yet something lacking. Im not happy, i find myself going to and fro looking for something. Why does it seem like life is not deep enough. I like i want it all to complex. My love for God is complex. For my family and friends is complex. My passion for my craft i want it all to be deep. It doesnt seem deep at all. It seems like the rest of the world shallow and breakable.
The only relationship that i can honestly say is complex is my relationship with God. That is only due to my lack of faithfulness. When i am his door open and open and open. Everyone else seems to be come dim and short.

I guess in retrospect that is how it is suppose to be. That the only person whose relationship is complex is mine and His. i have to put myself in a position to become comfortable with standing alone. I dont FEEL like i should but i know whats better for me at this point. So I guess i will be by myself.

the funnything about all of this is that i have everything i could have ever wanted in life. A girlfriend who wants to be wifey, money on the way, good home life, great prospect of opportunities ahead of me. Yet im not happy........The answer to all this is i know

All I want is Peace

Here is has been a couple months after the incident with Raven and i am still in conflict. Not so much with but with myself. I feel as if i am stuck in a rut. No matter how hard i push it seems like i get back to the same spot. I want to give up but i dont want to stay where i am. Constantly using people to make feel better about myself. It really sucks. There is a reality i dont want to embrace but i am going to have to embrace, that i am going to be here until i get out. im going to get over it when i get over it. Im probably am going to have to get really fed up with before i really move and become extreme with the things that must be done. It wouldnt be so bad if i could find peace over the whole thing. I would be fine if i knew for sure that the next set of moves that i was told to do would be exactly what god wants me to do to get out. This place dont feel good, out of touch with everyone, desire things that i am not emotionally ready to handle, falling back in the same pit trap over and over again. Its tiring and its fruitless and it makes life seem worthless. But there has to be more to it than this. That i have come this far successfully learn the things i know now. Not so i can not use them, so i can end right here at this spot.

I looked up over my bed by my window and saw two things taped on the wall. A picture of me and my father in a frame and a peice of paperr with names on it. The picture reminded me of the happiest days of my life. i didnt have much to worry about but doing what my parents told me to do and spending time with them. It felt as if i was directly connected at the hip to my parents. Probably because i was, i felt safe abd secure because i knew they wouldnt let me go nowhere that would make me miserable.
As i got older and into my relaationship with God it was the same way he lead me in paths that paid off for me and kept me happy. that kept me focused, that kept me. Some where along the line i lost that. So it only made those people who i wrote down on that peice of paper somewhat of a burden that i do not have the passion for because im still gone. I want it back.

Forgiveness

Everything is starting to get better with me and Raven. She is a little worried about me and if i will be ok. I think i will be fine, i just have to have a little talk with the girl to find out if anything happened that i should know about.

Other than that, i feel that this particular even occuring served as two things. Both a new start and a humbling experience. People say not everybody want to be on crack. Im going to turn it, not everyone wants to mess things up. But because we are human and we have weaknesses we have to do more than just not want to. We have to protect against.

I never felt so much pure love from someone. that type of love invoked the shame that wakes people in there sleep and keeps people from going to sleep. I have had to pray so i can go to sleep. Its either prayer or a drug for the massive headaches i have been having. I cant say i will never do it again..because i dont know. But i can say this i know i dont want to do it again and im going to take the precautionary measures it will take for me to never do it again.

The love i get from Raven while yet uneducated, is yet wise and true. The question is what kind of love am i expressing when i allow myself to be put in a compromising position. Is that the same type of love that is upset about being wrong, Is it the same type of love that swears to its own hurt and changes not? If so i dont want anything to do with that.

I spent my whole life praying for an opportunity as unique as the one i am in right now and i will be damned strait to hell before i mess that being a dummy. My father talked to me about wether you should tell the person you love you cheated.

Both answers are reasonable.
the first is no and it comes with conventional wisdom. Dont do it again and dont be so quick to fly of the handle about the things she does wrong. The issue i have with this is the fact that i become ultra sentive and i just dont like function with a cloud over my head.

The second is yes but there is a back drop...while your being honest..your hurting the person you love which in turn hurts the trust factor and we all know relationships dont work with out trust. On top of that there is a possiblity of retaliation, and constant frustration about why that took place, irrational requests such as not ever talking to the person ever again. To add to that there is a possiblity the person may never get over it and hold it against you.

I made the second choice because i know me and the fact that it could happen again it would be more beneficial for my relationship later on and now to be this way. in the interrum there is pain and shame to deal with, but i really want it to work. i know that there is a risk a very large risk associated with working this relationship out.

It intels me submitting to the wrath and retalition she may unleash at any time. While not allow her to put herself on bad ground with God. It intels her growing up a little looking at things for what they are and us looking life the way we should look at it and treating it the right way.

The other thing i am beginning to remember and acknowledge it the fact that when a person cheats there is often something that preciptated that action. For me it was an emotional/innocent/intentional sort of kind of thing. Emotional there is slack that i had to carry, if i wanted to be with her. Innocent in that i was not aware of what me entertaining these other people would do. I just flat out didnt think it would come to that, if that not that way. Intentional because i knew at the moment things began to unravel what was happening and i did not act. There many more factor counting my family history as it pertains to this and my own person battles. The realilty when dealing with stuff like this. Honestly and openess is better than honesty and closedness, at least for me. Either way the only way you get help is the must be some type of openness to address said issue, whether is infedelity or emotional baggage.

To make it short and sweet after the very long version.
Forgiveness wipes the slate clean for me and the person who was offended. We can practically just look at each other for what we are. So far i really like what i see in her and im still waiting on God to do something in me ,with my participation of course, that allows me to see myself the way He sees me.

Forgiving Myself

Love life...how do i start.
I have done the unthinkable. The impossible for me anyway.
I have betrayed the woman i care deeply for, for the a woman i only like.
Im so fed up with me right now. Its like i dont even know myself. I cant say i didnt see it coming because i did. i entertained this thought for a very long time and i realized, far too late, that should not have even introduced it. It sucks because i know right and i did wrong. I mean im damned strait to hell. Its hard to forgive yourself of something when its been done to you.

All i could say was i didnt want to. I dont know how it happened. Im sorry.

I hate this place i never want to be here again. i wish i could turn back time...ya know what im going to say.

I dont even want to turn back time i just want change..and be different for myself and for Her and most importantly God. Thats where i began..with all this. I began wanting to be free of sin of immorality. Thats where i struggled. Needless to say there is no more struggle..im so torn up about what transpired until im about ready to end it. The last thing on my mind is struggle. Whats on my plate now is change.
Its understanding that GOd's grace is for these times.
Learning how to forgive myself and give myself a break. I almost cant because i knew better.

I know better so i should do better.

Here it is late about 12:10. Im up just reflecting on my life.
I dont know i have just been in that mode. The so many things i am unsure of. Im unsure of my future, what will be in it, who will be in it and what it will be.

Upon my struggle to identify what it will be i came to an understanding.
You can easily define a future with out a person. Or remember your past and forget some important people who were instrumental in your development. Or even forget to thank the people involve in your success right now but what you cant do is say your existence with out Jesus Christ. At least for me that is. I can not think of the life i would have led without him, Or how life would be without him, or how bad it would be if i didnt have him now. The reality of this whole understanding is my future really doesn't belong to me. I'm just an instrument that God wants to use to his glory and to everyone's benefit. It would seem a bit nilistic to say this but if we were to line fact. If you know how much God has done for me and how he has equipped me to be who i am and how i am it would make complete sense.

It doesnt mean that my will is null and void. Its just means that the options that are left do not fit. I am made for what i do. The struggle and suffering in between is between me doing what i know does not work and finding what i do.

Whatever the case maybe my soul is satisfied with what God has for me because he loves me.

Thinking.....It works to benefit.

Hear it is the Friday I'm sitting at home i deep thought about my life. I'm in a ponder mode as i would call it. I'm really evaluative of things that have taken place, the people i can come in contact with, the friends i have lost and overall the life i am leading. I have to say that one thing remained true. Times good or bad God has provided for me. I reflect on these things and I'm so thankful that he shown his grace and mercy on me to help me live this life. I understand his word deep because i do it. I understand cause and effect relationship and that the things that i purpose to happen will only happen if i do it or rather set it in motion.

Its so good to know that God has stayed with me through it all. Even though i don't have everything the way i wanted it Life is Good. God has been good to me.

I'm more and more excited about the things that go on in my life. Right now I'm involved with a young woman named Raven. She is wonderful, the best thing since sliced bread, the lobster tail on my seafood platter of love as it were. But as good as she is our relation is kind of on the rocks.

I would say the rocks of reality. I did a awful amount of blue skying with her that kept our heads in the sky rather than right where we need to be. This phrase"The rocks of reality" is only symbolic of what we fight on a regular basis. That is idealism vs realism. What makes idealism so provocative and so favorable to chase is that it is possible to achieve. Where realism makes its most profound argument is the process of achieving the ideal. Yea a doctorate is almost practically guarantees a good monetary life and you could have it at 28 if you start college right out of high school. Yea its possible but not realistic.

With that though i have found that what i have in my relationship with Raven is real. The base upon which can build a successful(possible) marriage in phase of being built. The goal in this phase or state rather is to get to place where everything and everyone is where they should be.
I am so enamored with making that happened until its ridiculous.

However what gives me encourage about what I'm going through with this relationship is to see that what God told was going to happen is happening. Its good to hear his words..always go deeper than just your auditory canals. The bible says" Man shall not live by bread alone but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of Him."

As far as work i have a couple of interviews on the horizon which i am happy about. I get to go back to work which i haven't been working for a year now. Or rather it will be in July.
But I'm so glad he answers prayer.

Why??

why do we live in a world were the things that dont matter make the difference?
And why is the things that makes the most difference, the things that which affect everyday life are stripped of importance?

Why is we care more for the crackhead in the street and not give to flying fucks about our own family?

What is in our head to the point to make us respond in a manner that does not promote life and well being?

I dont know and i do not have the answer but what i do know is that the path to change is obvious. What is obvious is that the things that are recommended are not working.
I want to make this call out to all people especially the african american people and say it no longer makes sense to kill each other, infact it never did. Its not acceptable for people to even misconstrue a 19 year girl getting shot in the head by a 42 year old woman over some shorts.

HOw about we take a look at ourselves.